my epiphany.

this is going to be a pretty honest post. i don’t do a lot of those. but i feel like this one is due. since i had a life epiphany while sweating it out in spin class this morning.

i have been happy but unhappy for a month or so now. i have been working long hours. i have been emotionally unstable. and tired. and not taking time for myself. and venting a lot. and brining my work stress home with me. i told kyle on friday {while in tears} that i feel like my spirit is crushed.

but randomly today i had a mini adult life chat with my brother. it was random. and unexpected. and short lived. and i probably dumped on him when he didn’t want to be dumped on or need to be dumped on, but i dumped. but he made some comments to me today that i had been hearing from SO many people. but something about him telling me it just clicked and stayed with me. maybe it is because he is SO far removed from the situation that i needed someone from the outside to just speak the truth.

i don’t want to go into major details because i am not sure who reads this anonymously {since one of the most common searches that land people here is: barbie shanahan blog}. but i have felt beat up at work and go home feeling defeated quite often. one individual just kills my happiness and makes me feel small and insignificant. i have gotten to the point where i just feel disengaged when this person is around and that my opinions and viewpoints surrounding the team i manage do not matter. and un-opinionated and disengaged is not me and not someone i want to be or strive to be. i am someone who likes to be challenged and is always wondering what is next. but i have lately felt like i just cannot win. and i have felt like i don’t know how much longer i could be bullied or pushed around.

i have told everyone all the time that i love what i do. i love the company i work for and the people i work with. i love the interaction with the field. i love knowing that when i hang up the phone with a recruiter that i have helped them. i love that i have built relationships with recruiters that when they chose to leave the company they send me thank you notes or super sweet emails. i love the complexity of background screenings and hiring laws. i love that i am always learning something new. i love what i do so much that kyle and i made the decision to not move back to virginia where we are both from and to start a real life down in Georgia. i love it so much that we have decided to have children in atlanta where we won’t have our parents to help us if and when need be and won’t have a support system within 25 miles. but one person ruins it all for me so often.

but today it dawned on me that i cannot let one person ruin it for me. i cannot let one person kick me till i am down and crying to kyle. i cannot bring constant bad days and weeks into my marriage. my marriage is one of the most important things in my life – if not THE most important thing – and it isn’t fair to kyle to have to see my cry so often or listen to me vent on more dog walks than not. i have to learn to separate the two. work stays at work.

today i realized that no matter where my life takes me, there will always be one person who pushes people till their breaking point and bullies people and runs people over. it is built into who they are. it is woven into the fibers that makes up their integrity and their values and their personality. every company has one. my brother deals with one at his place of work. my really good friend has one at her current job and her last job. they.are.everywhere. but it is all about how you manage your reaction to them and how you let them effect you. YOU CANNOT LET THEM EFFECT YOU.

and i made the decision that one person cannot and will not ruin it for me. i love what i do. i love who i work for. i love the team that reports to me. and i love the people i work with. i am stronger than that. i may still be young both in age and professionally – but i know who i am, i know what i am worth, and i know where i want to be.

so i am going to work on how i let this person effect me.

i am going to spend more time being happy.

if i need a mental health day. i am going to take it.

if i need a half day. i am going to take one.

kyle mentioned that the happiest he has ever seen me is when i was running. so i am going to run. and work out. and find my inner peace again.

life is just too short to be wrapped up in little insignificant drama. especially when i know that i am valued at my work. and i know i have a voice even when it does not seem like it. life is just too short to let someone make me unhappy and to stress me out and to crush my spirit.

i am just too blessed to not be happy. so starting tomorrow i am going TRY my very very best to not let this person get under my skin. i am going to make a HUGE effort to leave the office at 5:30 and go to the gym or run outside. i am going to take more time for ME.

while i understand, everyday cannot be merry and bright – i just have to remember that i am lucky and have a great husband and a great job and a great family and great friends and adorable dogs.